May is a month of conflicting emotions for me, and that’s ok. May 2nd is my wedding anniversary – it was #3 this year, thank you, thank you very much. And May 16th is the day Sang passed. Even though it’s been 6 years now, I still find myself being overwhelmed by sadness and emotion at this time of year. It’s a time that I reflect back on who I was and who I am now, because supporting Sang through his battle with cancer then having him pass and being forced to rebuild my life has me in a very different place than I was before he got sick. That’s the topic of this post – honestly comparing me back then to the person I am and the life I’ve created now.
Life Before Death
It was around 3 in the morning when Sang and I met for the first time, in this lifetime. The place: an industrial warehouse somewhere in SE Calgary that had been transformed into a magical dance party event called Motion Notion. The year: 2000.As was customary at such all night dance parties, people hugged upon first meeting. And so Sang and I hugged and in that moment I just knew. There was a very deep recognition and connection…
Over the next 4 years we became really great friends, and then I moved to Taiwan. Upon my return Sang and I began dating, then got engaged in Costa Rica, bought a house together and moved in. I thought my life was on a track that wouldn’t change for many many years. But then 10 months later… cancer hit.
Up until that point I didn’t know what I didn’t know about healing myself, spirituality, growing spiritually, setting boundaries, knowing myself, who I really was, personal power, real peace. It was a pretty hefty list. I thought my life was fine.
That being said, I was acutely aware that I had some major issues. Having an abusive alcoholic real dad then recovered alcoholic step dad and codependent mother left me with very unhealthy relationship skills, little trust in myself and a lot of fear.
When Sang and I met we were young and cool, lol, but then becoming adults and having a grown up relationship caused my issues to come to light. But I didn’t have the tools to deal with them, so I became a workaholic to avoid them.
Looking back, I can also see that because I didn’t know who I was, I went along with what others said or did. Which ultimately left me feeling crappy and unfulfilled.
All this began to change slowly but surely when Sang got sick and I was stretched to my limit working FT and being his caregiver. I became aware of relationships that hugely needed revamping and realized I needed to find the truth inside me to guide me if I was going to survive.
Making life and death decisions and caring for someone terminally ill, I had to be sure that I would not regret anything I did – because I knew I’d only get one chance at it.
So I threw myself into caring fro Sang completely, but in the process I lost sight of who I was even more.
When Sang passed, I was a shell of a person. Stronger in some ways but left with a sense of being completely lost in life.
Life After Death
Life for me after Sang died ended as I’d previously known it. So much of what had made up my identity was gone in an instant. Where I thought my life was headed – gone.
Looking back from where I am now – it took me 6 years to get to a place where I can say I know myself at a deep level and am WAY more living my truth.
A huge part of this was my healing and spiritual journey. I can’t even tell you how much therapy and many different kinds of healing sessions I’ve had over the last 7 years. And this from a lady who back in 2010 thought Body Talk was woo woo!
My how things have changed… For the better!
After I got certified in Soul Realignment Level 1 in 2013 and I noticed my old inability to trust issue coming up in my new relationship and BLAM! I did an Akashic Record reading and clearing for myself and resolved that shit. Now I have a marriage where I actually feel safe and totally trust my husband, which was something I never had with a partner before.
I now had the tools to make positive changes happen and keep myself growing in the right direction, the direction of the person I know I wanted to become.
I also discovered that I enjoyed being a part of people’s transformations through my Akashic Record sessions WAY more than I liked instructional design and technical writing. But obviously I couldn’t just quit my day job, things needed to grow organically.
By far my biggest personal and spiritual growth spurts happened when I worked with coaches and mentors. And I am so grateful to each and every one of them.
Working with a life coach in 2012 helped me begin to set healthy boundaries, start healing from codependence, and connect to my own personal compass for what is right for me. It was with her that I also began making the huge shift from the fear vibration to love vibration.
In 2015 I worked with a business mentor and was able to then get myself out there more. Leaving the psychic closet took a lot of courage because initially I had a lot of self judgment. In 2017 I worked with an intuitive business coach who guided me into even bigger business territory. And now currently I’m working with an amazing coach who has helped me massively both personally and in my business.
What I see in all this is that my transformation took time and my transformation was a team effort. There are beautiful Souls out there who we are destined to join paths with and when we’re in relationship with them our life takes beautiful leaps forward. There was NO way I could have handled all of these shifts at once or navigated them by myself.
Heck, the shifts I’m going through right now almost make me want to say uncle and take a break from all this growth!
But no. I’m committed to this path. I’ve come so far and there truly is no going back. I can honestly say the last 7 years have been the hardest of my life and the most rewarding. I’m constantly pushed and pushing myself to new levels.
I love my current coach because she guides me based on who I am at Soul level, not from some formulaic strategy that’s supposed to work for everyone. I’m not everyone, clearly. And that’s how I see people too – as unique Souls who can shine happier and brighter when they honor their truth and live in line with what’s true for them.
In a letter Sang wrote to me before his neck dissection surgery when he thought he was going to die, he said that what would make him most happy would be to see me doing what made me happy.
I know he’s near me and helping me still and I am so grateful for that. And I’m pretty sure he’s damn happy because I definitely am.