May is a big month for me. May 2nd is my wedding anniversary – 1 year – yay! Then May 16th is the anniversary of Sang’s passing – not so yay.
Last year for the 16th I was in Indonesia for my honeymoon, so the day, while not lost on me, did pass me by. Sometimes it’s good to have distractions.
This year, and 2013 and 2014, were harder years in that I acknowledged and went right into the pain I was feeling. For me, sitting with the grief and letting it move through me, feeling all the feelings without judgment, is best. Not easiest, but best. I feel they can be processed that way.
It makes me kind of sad that I won’t be able to visit Sang’s grave this year. That was something I did.
It’s not that I want to be sad, or that I’m holding onto the past unnecessarily. I’m honouring what’s coming up for me right now. Grief comes in waves for me and can come out of nowhere. I’ll be driving in my car and suddenly tears will well up as a happy memory comes to my mind.
I find that people still don’t quite know what to say. That’s why I find grieving has been quite a personal journey for me.
My 1 year wedding anniversary on the other hand was very joyful! My husband and I reminisced about everything we did over the past year, which was A LOT. In our first year of marriage we moved to a different country. Bought a new home and sold our old home. Both got new jobs. That’s a lot of change for 1 year! We visit our favorite spots and dream about the amazing years to come.
But we did it! And I feel very strong as a couple for having navigated all that successfully.
So May is a month for fondly remembering and grieving my previous love, and celebrating and remembering my new love.